Cambridge Survival Guide for Will and Kate’s new PR guy, Jason Knauf

Cambridge Survival Guide for Will and Kate’s new PR guy, Jason Knauf

In the comments on the last Duchess Kate post, a welcome post was suggested for Jason KnaufPrince William and Kate’s new PR guy. In the wake of Prince Andrew’s latest disturbing PR/legal nightmare, I thought a little advice from us to Jason would be a great idea.

So here’s to you, Jason. Welcome aboard the Cambridge Crazy Train and good luck wrangling the laziest and tantrum-iest British royals. I hope you managed a decent salary and excellent benefits – “prestige” of working for the BRF only gets you so much. In honor of you’re new appointment, I’ve put together a list of things you might want to keep handy for your time with the Cambs.

1) A dictionary: So you can look up the word “no”.

2) Hem weights: You can sew them in while Kate’s not looking.

3) Women’s underwear: For when Kate forgets hers.

4) Photoshop: So you can pixelate Kate’s behind when 2 and 3 don’t work.

5) A lighter: So you can burn the Wedges of Doom.

6) Statesman classes: So William doesn’t embarrass himself and/or make foreign dignitaries uncomfortable.

7) Something shiny: To keep Carole occupied.

8) Something sharp: So you can cut Will and Kate’s tires so they can’t run away to Anmer.

9) A cattle prod: To get Will and Kate to actually do things.

10) A waffle iron: For all the waffling you’ll be doing.

11) A chair: For when you fall over dizzy due to all the spinning.

12) Aspirin: For those massive headaches.

13) Booze: For when the aspirin is just not enough.

14) A psychiatrist: For William.

15) A psychiatrist: For you.

Another piece of advice: Bring out the Grumpy Face! Prince George is the one and only PR goldmine you/the Cambs have – use it!

Here’s some more advice, courtesy of Red Snapper (with my own added comments thrown in):

1) Manipulate William into thinking working more is his idea. Any work is acceptable, as long as it is legitimately full time and not just a few shifts here and there. It can be done, if done correctly. He’s stupid enough to be manipulated, but he’s a non-Newtonian substance. If you push him, he won’t budge, he’s said as much in interviews, but if you ease him and make him think it’s his idea, he’ll give in, I’m sure. Remember to stroke his ego; the man has a massive ego.

2) Have Kate pick one cause and dedicate herself to it. Anything at all, as long as she shows some actual passion for something. Also, please hire Kate a public speaking coach to get her over her fear of public speaking, and don’t laugh at reporters who suggest hiring her one, it’s just rude.

3) Don’t lie to us, Jason! And don’t waffle. Take a stance and stick to it. It’s the lies, the waffling, and the BS that cause blogs like this one to form. Do you really want more blogs calling you/the Cambs out, Jason?

Good luck, Jason. And after the first big tantrum when you’re pulling your hair out and wondering why you took this job that no one else wanted, be thankful Will and Kate are at least not Prince Andrew bad.

Anyone else have some handy advice for Jason?

82 thoughts on “Cambridge Survival Guide for Will and Kate’s new PR guy, Jason Knauf

  1. Oh I LOVE this, It is the best thing I have read in ages.

    May I add two things for the list?

    1. A brush and hairband for Kate, for when she forgets to do her hair.

    2. Some of those flashing light things that the ground crew have when they are guiding planes. If Kate is going to land a 747 in her crotch she might need one of these when it is foggy.

    Thank you and I wish you all the luck you poor thing. You are going to need it.

    You might also need something bigger than a cattle prod to get Kate to do anything once this next baby comes along.

  2. I’m starting to wonder if Jason isn’t behind the story about Andrew — the Cambridges look competent next to him! By the way is Jason starting in regular people’s new year – or Cambridge new year – which is February after they go to Mustique?

    My only advice is maybe Jason should go with Kate when she is out shopping – this way he can make it look like they were “working”.

    1. OMG. I’m deeply honoured. Thanks for the gracious shout ot KMR!

      I’ve been wondering about the timing of this Andrew business as well. It -seems- suspicious. Is Kate slacking – look, Andrew’s a pedophile! But the story seems to have emerged because of recent court documents in a NY case. Does anyone know more?

      Agree with the poster below about retiring the comment thread trolls. They don’t work and just annoy.

    2. While I wouldn’t put it past Jason/the Cambs to plant stories making others look bad in order to make themselves look good, that’s not what happened here. The Andrew mess is not a planted PR story, it stems from legal documents filed in the US that have to deal with a case that is years old.

  3. How about figuring out how to get Kate and William to live under the same roof for more than a couple of days and how to encourage Kate to live in her own homes instead of her parents. And if the aspirin and booze don’t work he might want to try an IV drip of some kind of mild sedative so things at least will be a bit fuzzy when it’s bad.

    1. I think getting W&K to live under the same roof for more than a few days at a time might just be the hardest job of all.

      1. They seem capable of doing this when they dump the baby on the nanny for 10 days when they jet off to the Maldives. Maybe that is the key?

  4. Me again. Did I miss the conversation about the Duchess with Hyperemesis gravidarum who took her son on a spinning teacup ride as reported by People magazine? Did I miss the news bulletin when medical science cured that condition? Do we know how People got the story? Was Ma Mids doing a Kris Jenner?

    1. Amen. I read the People article about the spinning teacup and smelled b.s. If Kate had it, she would be wise to support a charity that supports HG or even high risk pregnancies.

    2. I read another People article about how Carole took care of George while W&K were in NYC, which was so sugary it made my teeth hurt. Either Carole now has a contact at People or Jason started his job early.

      1. Yes I read that story too KMR and I needed to see a dentist after it. They will be calling her “Saint Carole” next for spending time with her Grandson.

  5. I would like to add a few if I may:
    1) Burn jeggings and replace them with actual trousers
    2) Have Kate mentor under Princess Anne to learn what real work looks like
    3) Build a high ladder and lair for the Middletons – it will have a huge ladder for climbing and the promise of exclusive interviews in the palace in the sky
    4) Hire an actual makeup artist vs an 8 year old who wants to play princess
    5) Hire a good nutritionist – Kate is looking unhealthy and is getting close to having an eating disorder. I am surprised that Will hasn’t noticed as his mom went through the same thing
    6) A textbook about modern royalty and a chapter dog eared about abdication, just in case
    7) Schedule time with Maxima, Mary, and Victoria to determine what appropriate clothing to wear during various visits
    8) Purchase shoes with no more than a 3 inch heel.

    I am sure that I can name some more. I’ve read that Kate’s charities are barely staying afloat. They’ve asked her for help and she has turned them down. They can’t hold events because they aren’t raising enough money. I am starting to think that charities don’t want her because she will do nothing for them.

    1. Great additions!! Love the one about the textbook dogeared at the abdication chapter.

      The charities Kate is involved with really aren’t getting much out of having her as their Patron. She hardly ever visits them and if she can’t publicize them and doesn’t show up for their big functions to be shown off to donors, then she isn’t going to help them raise any money and they might as well not have her. Didn’t EACH have to cancel a charity auction in early 2013 because no one was bidding or something? Kate could have totally helped promote the thing and didn’t. And now EACH is trying to raise like 6 million pounds or something for their planned Norfolk hospice. I wonder how much Kate will help raise awareness or if the appeal launch is all she’ll show up for.

      1. The whole thing is just sad especially given that most of it is hospice and addiction care. Those charities need funds immediately and do not have the luxury of time.

  6. KMR, bless you. I’m so glad you’re here.

    To Jason:

    1) Convince your clients they are beholden to the taxpayers for everything, they owe their country their service, and any other attitude towards their privileged lives is unpatriotic and disgusting.

    Since we know that will never happen:
    1) Learn how to speak in small words so your clients will be sure to understand. Remember, their favorite words are “shop” “hair” “hunt” “hide” “drink” “ski” “fly” “beach” “no” and “mummy”. They are terrified of the word “work”.

    2) Buy stock in bromo seltzer antacids. You’ll need it.

    3) Buy stock in Just for Men hair dye and Rogain. You’ll need it.

    4) Give up and invest in a good fedora.

    5) Cultivate Tanna. Learn to use/abuse him as a plaything as much as the Middletons and William have over the years.

    6) Hire better social media trolls, stans, and socs. The ones W&K are deploying now are pathetically obvious. Be sure to retire their stan stephenkandy from the DM comments section, as well as the paid stans on RoyalDish and RoyalGossip.

    7) Make a deal with all cellphone carriers and social media outlets to auto-delete any photos or mentions of W&K that prove they’re skiving off instead of working.

    8) Shut down freedom of speech globally, because that is the ONLY way you will ever stop the critics of W&K from voicing their opinions

    and drum roll please

    9) You can’t fall back on JLoP’s game of throwing Harry under the bus. Everyone has seen through that technique, and Harry has proven himself through hard work and dedication. Therefore, you may need to hide Harry for the next 10 years. That’s the only thing you can do to make W&K look better.

    1. Oh, and hide stories like the one currently on the DM about how Kate Middleton doesn’t pay for any of her designer clothing until/unless she wears it. The rest of us might be tempted to call that “stealing”.

    2. Hi TwoPence, I noticed the “doesn’t pay until she wears it” thing too. That must be the stuff that’s sent to her, not the stuff she gets while shopping, right?

      Here’s the link, Haze:

      As far as the socks and stans, lots of celebrities and politicos do that. But if they’re on RoyalDish and Gossip then they have the power to kick them out right?

      And I would add lighter fluid to the lighter for the wedge burning. Want to make sure those suckers actually burn up!

      1. Yep Bluhare we want to make sure that they are gone for good. I nearly died when she wore them onto Manly Beach last year.

      2. Hi, Bluhare. It has been a long time!

        I don’t understand the clothing thing. She wouldn’t be doing the designers any favors by hiding the clothing until it is no longer available. What benefit do they see? She has lots of custom designer items made for her, so it cannot be those things. Did Jenny Packham let her take a £6,000 painted dress on spec?

        The article is wrong about a couple of things. The blue dress from her first speech is her mothers, not hers. And wasn’t there a story about her buying the blue Missoni coat used?

        1. It has been a while TwoPence! The only reason I can think about hanging on to clothing sent over on spec is the designer gets an upsurge of interest if she’s seen out in the label even if that particular item isn’t available? I do think it’s tacky she doesn’t pay for it unless she wears it. Does she send back the stuff she doesn’t? I think it’s interesting Kate doesn’t like seeing other people in what she wears. I would argue she’s more likely to see that in clothes that are a bit older than things straight off the showroom floor, but maybe it’s different in the rarefied air in which she moves.

          And, yes, I do recall a story about how she got that Missoni coat on consignment. Maybe they really meant to say at an outlet shop, but I got the impression she bought it used too.

          1. If she holds onto it for a long time, the designer would lose out on selling to another client. By the time she returns it, it would be several seasons (or years) old.

            The blue Missoni may be from Bicester Village. It was first worn for the infamous, ‘Can you test the smell by smelling it’ outing with The Queen. She also wore it to a wedding and another guest was wearing the same thing.


            “It is thought Kate bought it more than a year ago, on a trip to the brand’s discount store at the Bicester Village outlet, for considerably less than its original £765 price tag.” Would Missoni have sent her something on spec in Spring 2011?

          2. I very much wonder about that article. Because the time frame for when she would have been “sent” those items she supposedly held onto for years would have been before she was even married. Designers weren’t sending her stuff years before the engagement. She probably bought that stuff at outlet shops. She may have been holding onto it for a while, yes, but she bought that stuff at the discount store, not full retail when the item was in season.

            It does seem she likes to keep things so other people can’t wear them. But that can backfire tremendously as it did with the M Missoni coat at that wedding.

            Honestly, it seems very rude for Kate to take things with no promise of wearing them in public and not pay for it at all until she wears it. She’s probably wearing that stuff in private, but as long as she’s not wearing it publicly she doesn’t have to pay for it? That’s some BS.

            I would hope the “not paying until worn” is only for the things sent to her and not that stuff she buys while out shopping nor the custom stuff she has made.

            Re what the designers get out of Kate wearing old items: Even if Kate keeps the item she wore and it is no longer available, people are still more likely to check out other things the designer has and possibly purchase something else – and less expensive, too – if they see Kate wearing the label. It would be interesting to know if the designers had any uptick in overall business from Kate wearing their items, even if it’s not the item itself. But I’m sure the designers would rather Kate wear the items when they are actually in stock (hence why some designers will reissue pieces).

          3. I like it when the designers reissue the clothing she wears. That way they make money, but then also her ‘hoarding’ does no good 🙂

      3. I looked over the comments and had a quiet laugh because they showed a very poor reading comprehension. Everyonbe was talking about how thrifty she was when the issue was that she picks new clothes, stores them away for a few years, wears them once or twice in public and ONLY pays for them when she wears it. So she’s not really being thrifty, she’s just hoarding clothes for free and I wonder if the payment only occurs with a public outing.

        1. It is a very strange story. From an older article “The Prince’s annual review, which tallies his expenditures for the year, revealed that around $150,000 was budgeted towards Middleton’s fashion expenditures for 2012 alone.” The cost of the 2 dozen outfits for the Australia tour in 2014 was estimated at $65,000.

          If she’s delaying payment months or years until she wears things, she’s spending even more on clothing than already suspected. Does anyone still believe the idea that she doesn’t care about clothing or fashion at this point?

    1. He’s going to need more than luck with these two. Anyone want to start a bet on when he’ll give up and/or have a mutual parting of ways? I give him a year, tops.

      1. I give him 18months. W&K are going to play on the second baby for a while and she isn’t due until Aprils, so poor Jason will have no hope of getting her to do anything except The Trooping of the Colour for a the rest of the year. William will back her on this so Jason’s frustration should be showing towards the end of the year into early next year. I really feel for the poor guy, they should be paying him a kings ransom

      2. I’d agree with Tanya at about 18 months. He’ll stick it out for the year, but will be increasingly frustrated. There is no way he’d make it to two years. By the end of the year he’ll be looking for a new job. He’ll jump ship by next summer, I think.

  7. This is amazing. It needs to get published in a magazine or journal or something so more people who google “Kate Middleton” see it.

    Try to submit to like BuzzFeed or some sort of thing!!!

  8. I love KMRs numbered list as well as everyone else’s. Jason will be in an insane asylum by the end of 2015 lol.

    It hit me awhile ago that the whole point of a PR person is to tell Will & Kate how they are viewed by the public. Duh. If Will & Kate were smart and hardworking they wouldn’t need a PR person to tell them that. But since they live in their royal bubble and are not smart and hardworking they will now rely on Jason’s PR magic aka lies to make them popular.

    Good Luck, Jason.

    1. What a concept. Work harder and your PR will naturally improve. They don’t want that. They want to work a lot less and still have their PR magically improve, so they’ve hired a new PR guru.

      Their chief bodyguard quit a couple of years ago to work security at Broadmoor, a “secure psychiatric hospital in Berkshire”. Maybe Jason can get some kind of ex-W&K-staff discount when he’s admitted?

    2. W&K work harder to fake their image and keep their laziness under wraps than they would if they were full time working royals (at which time their PR would be fine).

        1. lol, true. I guess what I meant was, more work goes into faking their image than would go into them working consistently and naturally turning their image around. They of course hire people to do that work for them. So no matter what it would be more work for them if they worked consistently, but it would mean less work for their staff who wouldn’t have to work so hard to hide their laziness and fake their image.

      1. I don’t know how fine their PR would be even if they did start dedicating themselves to working full time on behalf of the BRF. They both put their foot in it more often than not. And I can’t see Kate feigning happy interest in her events long term.

        1. I think their image would naturally improve if they worked consistently and didn’t say/do stupid stuff all the time. It would take a while, and they would have to really prove they’d changed, but it could be done.

    3. I also meant to add that with all the hours in the day, you would think William or Kate would Google themselves and stumble across blogs such as this one to know what they are doing wrong and how to change it. I wonder if they have cell phones or tablets with internet access? And would they know how to use the search engines like the rest of us? Maybe its too advanced for their brains lol.

      If I were Kate, I would search myself on the Internet and not rely on PR people, that’s money saved.

      1. I doubt Willy cares at all. He’s more concerned with privacy and doing things “his way”. Katie probably cares more but not much. She listens to Ma Midds. And what does it really matter? If the public doesn’t demand the monarchy be abolished, Willy and Waity WILL be King and Queen, public be damned. It isn’t a matter of public opinion (unless the monarchy gets abolished by Parliament). They probably would see this blog as a bunch of haters jealous of their wealth and position.

  9. Great list, KMR; you hit the bull’s eye with this. Jason not only needs luck but should also invest in yoga classes not only for stress relief, but to also accustom himself into twisting into contortionist positions in preparation for his new job. Learning how to jump through burning hoops might help as well. Perhaps reserving his spot in advance at Broadmoor psychiatric hospital might be a proactive measure to help his shattered nerves and nervous tics that he would have developed during his tenure in his job.

    I also hope the tactic of throwing other royals under the bus in order to make this couple look good ceases, too. This MO is old and predictable, and we’re too savvy for that.

  10. Can I suggest that Jason needs to hire a competent hairdresser and stylist for Kate? Just loving the comments about Kate storing items for years sometimes so no one else can wear the same thing she does. Perhaps she is shopping in charity shops and that is why her clothes are sometimes out of date? But then that raises another question… what is she shopping for when she is mean to be out shopping?

    1. Yes, Kate needing a new hairdresser should definitely be on the list.

      Re shopping: Lately it seems she’s been shopping for homeware. KP and Anmer must be stuffed full of useless crap by now.

      1. Lets face it. It is not as if Waity is going to wandering into the kitchen to do a lot of cooking. She will have staff for that and with the supposed HG she wouldn’t have been able to look at food so I am guessing that they have a chef to cook for them, otherwise Willis and George would have starved by now. She probably bought lots of shiny things when she was with Carole as they both seem attracted to that sort of thing.

        1. What’s her kitchen total up to now, four? Ah, now she doesn’t have to decide between which items to buy, she can get all of them!

          1. It is more. 3-4 in Kensington (family, formal/entertaining, nursery kitchenette, possible staff kitchenette), the Anmer one, possibly both an Anmer staff one and a kitchenette for Nanny Maria’s quarters, plus the kitchenette that was installed in the new staff quarters at the Middletons (if it was for “BRF security staff” than it was probably the taxpayers who paid).

  11. Margaretty7, that link should have a warning attached to it. It did vaguely remind me of the udders of cows when I was a kid, watch cows get milked. I will not be able to enjoy my cup of milo tonight LOL.

  12. Well I don’t want to get into being mean. I would genuinely advise Jason to keep it simple. Get William and Kate doing one engagement per week as a minimum – I think the PR will reverse as a result.

    Nobody is perfect and I’m not expecting them to be. But I don’t think a minimum of one working day a week is unreasonable for anyone, pregnant, revising for exams or not.

  13. KMR, you should print these tips up and have them properly bound and presented to Jason. I really don’t think he has a clue as to what he’s in for.

  14. OMG, I needed a laugh or two, today and you all provided that and more.
    KMR and others, your advice to Jason is priceless.
    I so hope Jason trolls this site, or has someone do it for him.
    Good luck to him. And, I give him 15 months tops.

  15. Maybe Jason can broker a deal where they pay lots of money to Kate’s charities in exchange for the charities publicly stating that saint Kate is making secret visits to spend time with and comfort the people the charities serve.

    1. I think the charities would like that better instead of them having to make all these fuss for a Kate visit. Definitely more beneficial for the charities.

    1. I don’t think so. Surely the royal family knows that unless the Cambridges start behaving differently they are a lost cause with the public. An additional scandal just adds bad to worse right now.

    2. This Andrew thing is out of the BRF’s hands, I don’t think it is a diversion. Everyone knows the Middleton family goes to Mustique, and they’ll vacation sometime between now and the middle of February. Kate Middleton and George will be with them, William may or may not be. Maybe he’ll use the EAAA “training” as his excuse to miss vacation with his son this year too.

      Some lucky photographer will be camped out at the St Vincent airport every day from now until they catch the Middletons changing planes on their way to Mustique.

      1. Actually I thought Willy will be traveling to China and Japan in February. Though if he doesn’t go to Mustique with the Midds, I would bet my non-existent bonus a “recovery” visit to somewhere warm (the Maldives, Seychelles or South Africa) will be in store.

        1. “The Duke will spend approximately three days in each country, departing in late February and returning to the United Kingdom in early March.”

          So he is “available” to go on the traditional trip to Mustique the first week of February. He skipped it last year and they went to the Maldives later (but Middleton went to both Mustique and the Maldives).

    3. No. The Andrew mess is not some press-generated/driven story that will blow over in a few days or weeks that has no real world consequences like it would be if it were a PR distraction. The Andrew mess is a major, disturbing claim with real, legal ramifications should it turn out to be true. It wasn’t generated by the press with unnamed “sources” spilling secrets, it came out in court documents filed in Florida by the women who are making the claims against him. Also, Andrew’s friendship and association with Epstein and his case goes back years. It has nothing to do with Will and Kate.

      1. This has been known about and published for years. It is much bigger this time around, because the Queen cannot hush up a legal case based in the US. As I understand it, the court case is against the US government and those who brokered a deal. Andrew is mentioned (as are many others) in the documents, but the women didn’t file a suit against him personally.

        1. But if the allegations continue, it is possible he could be questioned by the Metropolitan Police. Did he have sexual relations with Virginia Roberts, or other women, when they were underage, in Florida or anywhere else? That is the principal question. If the answer is ‘yes’, that means BIG trouble for the Duke of York and the Royal Family. But while this is convenient PR for Willy and Katie, this is not something their PR people would cook up in a million years, b/c it is so grave.

          1. Definitely. I think this will go a lot further. My understanding is this initial lawsuit is against the US government for the settlement deal, and is not a criminal charge against Andrew and his alleged actions.

            I do not know the legalities. Can that settlement be overturned, and if so, does it affect the statute of limitations? These things are alleged to have happened almost 15 years ago. Epstein was charged, settlement made, he “served” time for the reduced sentence. Can he be charged again if the plaintiffs win their case against the US government? Or is that double jeopardy – can’t be charged for the same crime twice?

          2. I’m not sure about Epstein. He already served 13 months in jail for soliciting an underage girl for prostitution. Currently the matters ongoing are civil lawsuits against Epstein, not criminal matters. FYI, civil law relates to laws against individuals or organizations. Criminal law is a crime against society writ large, ie. “The Crown” or “The People” (in the Commonwealth or U.S.) vs. X.
            The age of consent in Florida is 18 and furthermore “A person 24 years of age or older who engages in sexual activity with a person 16 or 17 years of age commits a felony of the second degree”. So if the Duke of York, at age 41, had sex in Florida with Virginia Roberts at age 16, he committed a second-degree felony. It is very likely that the statue of limitations has run out, but it’s possible it hasn’t. I don’t have a through knowledge of Florida felony law, so I’m not sure.

          3. Unfortunately Jennifer, no it doesn’t. Title 46 Chapter 775 Section 15 paragraph 2b.: A prosecution for any other felony must be commenced within 3 years after it is committed. This alleged crime by the Duke of York of sleeping with Virginia Roberts when she was 17, was in 2001. If there was a crime committed, the Duke would have to have had charges filed against him no later than 2004.

    1. Because the Daily Mail does not want to take responsibility for comments made on an ongoing legal case. It’s normal not to allow comments on an ongoing legal case.

    1. New Years Eve was great; I set off a bunch of fireworks which was super fun. I hope you had a great holiday and New Years!

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